April Fools’ Edition

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  • Great Pacific Garbage Patch declares statehood

    Great Pacific Garbage Patch declares statehood

    On March 25, the world welcomed the 194th member state into the United Nations, marking the first time since South Sudan’s admittance in 2011 that a country was admitted. This newest country is, quite literally, a garbage dump. The Great Pacific Garbage Patch, or GPGP, is an enormous mass of plastic in the Pacific Ocean

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  • Club Review: Squirrels Against Tuition

    Club Review: Squirrels Against Tuition

    As the weather begins to warm, the squirrels are coming out of hibernation. They can often be found foraging for nuts, seeds and berries in bushes and trees, running along the sidewalks, rummaging through trashcans and most recently, standing in line in the office of financial aid. Recent developments have resulted in the Elizabethtown College

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  • Microsoft releases universal translator to the public

    Microsoft releases universal translator to the public

    Microsoft has done a surprise launch of a novel product: the universal translator, capable of translating any language, spoken or otherwise, into the user’s native tongue. According to the development team, this project had been secretly in the works for over a decade. As soon as everyone involved was confident in the translator’s accuracy in

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  • Recipe Review: Dirt pudding

    Recipe Review: Dirt pudding

    With Earth Day coming up in a few weeks, I thought it was only fair to cook up a family classic: dirt pudding with real worms and dirt! This recipe has been in my family for generations and kept morale up during even the darkest of times. It was first created by my great great

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  • Business Review: Swig coming to campus

    Business Review: Swig coming to campus

    When I first heard the rumor that the popular dirty soda company, Swig, was coming to Elizabethtown College, I immediately thought it was a joke. But, according to Dining Services, it might actually happen. With the growing popularity of the show “Secret Lives of Mormon Wives” after stars Whitney Leavitt and Jenn Afflack appeared on

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  • Mico Mico: Etown’s first invisible student

    With the warmer weather slowly creeping in, Elizabethtown College’s campus is booming. Students are out socializing in the sun and enjoying the much-needed break from the snow. This week, I’d like to introduce a student you won’t see soaking in the sunshine.  Meet Mico Mico, a first-year student here at Etown majoring in invisible studies. 

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  • Etownian moving strictly to social media.

    Etownian moving strictly to social media.

    After much consideration, The Etownian has decided to stop both print and web articles, moving all reporting strictly to social media platforms.  Since 1934, The Etownian has been a central source of information on campus, reporting on everything from news to campus life. This shift away from the traditional print and web format  will mark

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  • BREAKING GROUND OR BREAKING NEWS?

    BREAKING GROUND OR BREAKING NEWS?

    Horse Racing Rink Gallops onto Brinser Field in Bold New Campus Initiative In early April at Elizabethtown College, students may notice something unusual about Brinser Field. According to recent announcements, construction is set to begin on a full-scale horse racing rink, an ambitious new entertainment venue reportedly sponsored by Draft Kings. The project is expected

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  • Professor Feature: Dr. James Wigglesworth

    There is someone on campus whom everyone has seen in passing, but with whom very few people have gotten the chance to speak. Dr. James Wigglesworth, professor of ornithology at Elizabethtown College, is a reclusive but well-meaning professor who lives and works on top of the High Library.  Ornithology is the study of birds. In

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