April Fools’ Edition

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  • Tom Brady hired to restart Etown football team, promises decades of success

    Tom Brady hired to restart Etown football team, promises decades of success

    In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the world of collegiate sports, former National Football League (NFL) quarterback Tom Brady has been appointed as the head coach of Elizabethtown College’s football team. With a promise for decades of enduring success, Brady’s imminent arrival and appointment has ignited a veritable excitement among

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  • Study Abroad Office to ship all Etown students to Spain

    Study Abroad Office to ship all Etown students to Spain

    Elizabethtown College Study Abroad Office is excited to announce a new program it is piloting, beginning in Fall 2024, where all 1,800 Etown students will be shipped to Spain! This new program has taken years of planning and research, but the petition signed by all Etown students for the opportunity to go to Spain could

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  • Etown introduces Gen Alpha language classes

    Etown introduces Gen Alpha language classes

    It seems every year the divide between students’ and professors’ diction and language grows, and it’s become noticeable even between cohorts. The truth of the matter is, the slang of the younger generations is becoming much too hard for some to fully comprehend. So, in order to combat this unfortunate separation, the College plans to

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  • House of Representatives bans Canvas 

    House of Representatives bans Canvas 

    On March 13, the House of Representatives passed a bill banning TikTok from American devices. This was, in their eyes, meant to help protect American citizens from influences and spying happening overseas. However, suddenly and without warning, the House has begun to pass numerous other bills banning many other apps all over the Apple App

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  • Business Buzz: Target to replace Nicarry Hall

    Business Buzz: Target to replace Nicarry Hall

    Good news, Blue Jays! Target is officially marking its territory on the Elizabethtown College campus. No longer will students have to drive twenty to thirty minutes off campus to one of their Lancaster or Harrisburg locations.  Instead, they can simply walk right on over to where Nicarry Hall currently stands to indulge in their shopaholic

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  • Today’s Tech: Etownian writers replaced by ChatGPT

    Today’s Tech: Etownian writers replaced by ChatGPT

    The day “The Terminator” predicted in 1984 has finally come: the robots are taking over.  When ChatGPT went public on Nov. 30, 2022, no one could have predicted its impact on the way we create and the world we know in general. People have found a variety of ways to use Artificial Intelligence (AI), such

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  • Tipping options added around campus

    Tipping options added around campus

    To tip or not to tip? A question that encroaches many broke college students’ minds as they venture their way out into the world. Even if someone is adamant on tipping and always does the bare minimum of 20%, where is it appropriate? The art of tipping has advanced over the past decade, with restaurants

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  • Governor announces mandatory attendance for lawmakers at Elizabethtown College

    Governor announces mandatory attendance for lawmakers at Elizabethtown College

    Pennsylvania’s Governor Josh Shapiro recently issued an executive order forcing all Pennsylvania state lawmakers to register for and attend at least one semester at Elizabethtown College. All 203 state representatives and 50 state senators will be registered starting next fall, and each lawmaker will have the opportunity to continue taking classes into the spring.  Funding

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  • Campus to introduce tents as new living units

    Campus to introduce tents as new living units

    Are you bored by the idea of living in a dorm? Were you assigned too poor of a lottery number to live in any of your preferred (or any) of the residence halls? Consider choosing a tent as your living unit for next year! As the campus population increases with each passing academic year, a

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