Microsoft has done a surprise launch of a novel product: the universal translator, capable of translating any language, spoken or otherwise, into the user’s native tongue. According to the development team, this project had been secretly in the works for over a decade. As soon as everyone involved was confident in the translator’s accuracy in every language in existence, the product hit the market.

The universal translator is worn as a subtle earpiece. A device this small is not cheap, however. For just one, Microsoft is asking for $12,000.

So how does this contraption work? Well, no one really knows, and Microsoft is refusing to tell. Some have theorized that a large, secret team of polyglots, psychologists and computer scientists put their skills together to tackle this immense project. Others think that the Duolingo owl was somehow involved in the product design, but that is slightly less believable.

Once it was completed, the pilot test for this machine took place in Hamburg, Germany. A German, a Frenchman and a Pole walked into a bar. None of them could understand each other! That is, until a Microsoft employee walked in with the universal translator. Not a minute later was everyone set up with their own device. They immediately started arguing about whose local soccer team was the best. They were so caught up in their bickering that the Microsoft employee was unable to get a comment from them.

Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology who had gotten a hold of a universal translator discovered another feature: it can translate animal sounds into human speech. They realized this when they heard lab rats having a deep philosophical conversation in the lab.

Not only does the translator interpret spoken language, it also tells you what someone means by the body language that they use and the facial expressions that they make. With one of these, never again will the user have trouble understanding the nuances in behavior that relates to emotion or attitude. You can finally find out why someone has been staring you down. Is it because there’s something on your shirt? Did you unknowingly insult their mother? $12,000 is a small price to pay to find out. 

Unfortunately, one bug has been found in the software. Various complaints have been made about the translator’s inability to translate whatever the Etown squirrels are talking about. That will have to remain a mystery.