Happy 21st century folks, we all knew it would happen eventually – robots are taking over Elizabethtown College!
More specifically, there is one robot. And it will not be taking over the whole College. Or anything actually. Let me just cut to the chase – it’s Marty from Giant Food Stores. And he will be working with Campus Security to “take over” parking ticket duty.
For those of you who live under a rock and have not heard the wondrous musings of Marty from Giant, Marty is a tall, gray robot who wheels constantly around Giant Food Stores in Pennsylvania on alert for any and all trouble. He sees all with his large googly eyes and makes sure that everyone in the store knows when something is afoot. It is not uncommon for the average Giant shopper to hear repeatedly over and over throughout their entire visit to the store “CLEAN UP NEEDED IN THE PRODUCE AISLE!!” That, my friends, is Marty. There are only about 500 Marty robots in existence, so Etown will be making history by adding one to the campus community.
The Etownian spoke to Director of Campus Security Andrew Powell about this sudden change. When asked about how on Earth he was able to secure such a prominent name as Marty for our humble campus, Powell said, “It was surprisingly very easy. I was walking around the store one day when I got the idea [of humbly begging Marty to join the campus community] so I approached the manager about it. She said they had an extra one in the back and I could just take it.”
As for what Marty will be doing at Etown, Powell says that he will be a pivotal addition to parking enforcement at the College. Powell has “always sought to leverage technology to increase the efficiency of the security department” and he believes that Marty is the best way to do so. In addition to consistently canvassing the campus issuing parking tickets, Marty will also alert both Campus Security and anybody in a several hundred yard radius if there is anything in his path.
Marty is most well-known for his frequent alerts whenever there is an obstacle in his way, and that will not change at Etown. Campus Security discussed adding Marty into the ECALERT system, where students, faculty, staff and parents would get an email, phone call and text any time he has anything to say, but instead they decided to upgrade him with strobe lights and a high powered siren.
In addition, Campus Security has announced future plans for Marty, including making him responsible for responding to false fire alarms, like when a student “tries to make Easy Mac without adding water to the cup first,” as Powell mentioned is an extremely common occurrence on campus. [The Etownian says “COME ON PEOPLE FILL IT TO THE LINE!!”]
Now, the Etownian realizes that some readers may be disturbed at the idea of a robot giving parking tickets, since robots have no soul or empathy therefore making it difficult to talk yourself out of a ticket. Well fear no more! The Parking Appeals Committee has made a public statement that since officers are not present in the parking appeals meetings as is, Marty will not be present for them either, so the ne’er-do-wells who get tickets need not worry about Marty arguing against the appeal of said tickets.
Powell also states that Marty is a welcome member of the Campus Security team and that the officers have welcomed him with open arms. And when faced with the unthinkable question – are you afraid of Marty revolting and overthrowing the officers and taking over as Director of Campus Security – Powell says he is not too worried. Since safety is always a priority at Campus Security, he made sure the robot (and any others that may join him) are in compliance with Asimov’s three laws of robotics.
I know you’re all wondering, “Well what does Marty have to say about all of this?” The Etownian was able to get an exclusive one on one interview with Marty himself! “CLEAN UP NEEDED ON AISLE ETOWN!!” which is loosely translated to “I am very excited to rule, I mean work with, the Campus Security team at Etown College. My subordinates, I mean the kind officers, have been nothing but kind to me since I arrived.”
