s the end of the semester approaches, you might be thinking more and more about finals and finishing off the year right. “Thinking more and more about finals” might just mean that somewhere between halfheartedly finishing your homework, enjoying the good weather and anticipating TGIS, you are remembering for a fleeting moment that a big horrible event is about to unfurl. You are also probably instantly repressing that thought.
If, however, you are an upstanding model student of this academic institution and you are stressing out about the end of the semester, you’ve probably been getting a lot of tips on how to de-stress. Unfortunately, you’ve been getting bad advice. As an expert on taking it easy, let me, a licensed professional, tell you how not to de-stress this semester.
Don’t stick your head in the sand. I have befriended a lot of ostriches. And by that I mean many of my friends like to ignore their problems. I also mean that I know some large birds in high places. But we’re talking about humans right now, and my human friends can be idiots. They try to pretend that they don’t have major papers due or relationship conflicts to sort out. You might be able to push these thoughts from your brain, but your worries are just going to manifest themselves somewhere else. Have you noticed that suppressing your problems wrecks your digestive system and sleep patterns? No one wants to hang out with a haggard, sleep-deprived zombie who keeps running to the bathroom. Confront your problems head on for better sleep and consistent poops.
Don’t pig out. When you’re stressed, you’re gonna want to dig into anything in sight that’s of varying degrees of edibility – chips, candy, glue – you know the drill. But that’s not a healthy way to de-stre- AHAHAHA, just kidding. Eating is a source of joy and solace. Eat whatever you want. Calories don’t count when you’re ready to throw yourself over the edge. In fact, gorging on food makes you become much too heavy to climb any cliffs to jump off of, so it’s a win-win situation!
Don’t hole yourself in your room or library to study. It’s been really nice out. Go outside. No wonder you’re so pale. You might want a quiet, unpopulated place to study, but c’mon, have you seen the magnolias blooming their little heads off? Like bakery shop windows or former child stars, they’re begging to be looked at. And yes, the odds are high that you’ll be near a random group of people gossiping about someone you don’t know but now wish you did, flirting like high school freshmen or blasting horrible music. Consider it great people-watching, or utilize them as an aid in your studies – for psychology, consider why they feel the need to blast stupid music or gossip. For languages, construct a few sentences about what they’re doing and how you feel about it. For math or science, do something math or science-y. I can’t help you out with that, I’m a comm. major (insert joke here).
Don’t go postal. We all love getting mail. Don’t take it out on the mail ladies when your parents or friends from home won’t mail you goodies or a letter. When was the last time YOU mailed someone something? Instead, chat it up with the mail staff. It is a sure-fire way to make a new friend.
Don’t punch anyone in the face. You might get away with punching someone in the arm and playing it off as a friendly “hey there,” but probably not. (You’re not that subtle.) Yes, people are infuriating. The girl in the library who won’t stop talking about her favorite show, the guy who keeps tapping his pen in class or your professor who is determined to destroy your soul might seem justified in being punched, but you can’t do it. The sooner we all admit to ourselves that we’re all annoying and infuriating, the sooner we’ll attain world peace (and probably more world passive aggression).
These simple pointers will help you navigate your way through the end of the semester and life in general. So take it easy, everybody. We’re going to destroy finals in a peaceful, tan and rested way.
