It is that special time of year for sports fans everywhere. Baseball is just starting, playoff hockey and basketball is getting underway and the Summer Olympics are right around the corner. For this reason, I would like to take this chance to rant to you about some of the issues I have with sports (what an odd introduction).

I think my biggest pet peeve about sports is when people associate themselves as being a part of the team. And the classic example is using the term “we” when referring to a particular team. Like, “I can’t believe we won that game last night,” or “we really put in a great effort tonight.” What are you talking about “we”? You did nothing but sit at the bar and hammer down beers like a relapsed alcoholic. We? I guess I missed the part of your life where you are the general manager of a professional sports team, my fault.

And I am fully aware attaching oneself to a sports team is not a bad thing. I think it is healthy to want to be a part of something that is bigger than yourself, something that can impart hope and excitement outside of your control. But to go as far as rioting your city after your sports team loses—that seems a bit excessive.

In terms of specific sports there are only a few that get under my skin. I am personally not a big fan of watching baseball, but that is because I have this thing where I don’t like being bored (it’s my issue, I’ll deal with it). And going to a baseball game can be just as riveting because I get the opportunity to be just as bored but with the chance of getting struck in the head with a foul ball (WHAT FUN!).

My favorite sport is hockey and, in my opinion, it is the toughest sport by far. I mean, the players are allowed to, at any time, just stop the game and fight each other and the penalty is to sit in a box for five minutes. In any other sport there would be fines and suspensions but in hockey it is commonplace, and almost celebrated, as an attempt to spark excitement from the team or the fans.

I think more sports should implement this rule. You cannot tell me golf would not be more interesting if you knew that at any moment Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson could drop their putters and start brawling on the green (by the way, golf is an amazing sport if you love cursing and lowering your self-esteem).

And if you are wondering why I am leaving out boxing and MMA fighting, that is because they are not sports to me. If the sole purpose of your “sport” is to injure the other player to a bloody pulp than that is not a sport, that is just attempted murder.

And I love the people who will call hunting a sport. Hunting is not a sport, it is a survival technique. And, trust me, if every animal ever hunted was anthropomorphized and could talk they would not want to play your so-called “sport.”

I would love to hear a hunter try to explain this concept to a deer. “So deer, we are going to play this game where you go about your daily business and at any moment I am going to show up and shoot you or anyone you hang out with. Doesn’t that sound like a fun game? And I know you are wondering why we play this game and it is because you are overpopulated in the region and by overpopulated, I mean you are delicious” (I told you this was going to be a rant).

There is honestly so much more I can go on about in terms of sports but I am confined to the length restrictions of this assignment. I think if you are going to take anything from this article it should be that I have a lot of issues which should be checked out by a psychiatrist.

And to conclude, I would just like to say this will probably be my last Etownian article ever and that I really appreciate anyone who has read my articles and gotten a kick out of them. It has meant a lot to me (and I’m not crying, there is just something in my eye).