The following article is part of an April Fools’ Edition of The Etownian: the stories are fake the but interviews/quotes are real.
On March 28, the Elizabethtown College Schlosser Residence Hall was due for health inspection checks but failed to receive clearance because of multiple mycotoxins, such as trichothecenes, discovered around the Schlobby. If ingested and left untreated, these can lead to nephropathy, hepatic diseases, hemorrhagic syndrome and cancer. The inspectors declared that this toxic compound was produced due to past flooding of liquid dihydrogen monoxide in the area, leading to the growth of mold and bacteria. In order to preserve the safety of students, officials have ordered the immediate demolition of the building and the removal of all Schlosser residents.
Where will these students live for the remainder of the semester? Some share their unique outlook.
Second-floor resident Gabrielle Kambouroglos details her feelings regarding the recent discovery.
“Well, I’m glad they’re trying to solve the problem with the toxins, but I don’t think that knocking down our building is the solution because we have nowhere to go, and it’s bad for future students too,” she said.
However, Kambouroglos has big plans to fulfill her college experience for the rest of the semester.
“So, I was actually thinking of reopening the tunnels underneath Ober,” she stated. “I’ll probably throw a rager, getting all the [others] down there for bonding.”
Kambouroglos encouraged all ex-residents to attend her gathering; however, she emphasized that this is an exclusive, invite only event.
She said the party will occur “ASAP Rocky,” implying that the details are still in the works.
Her decision to reside in underground tunnels is a strange choice, especially as she was just evacuated from her residence due to poor living conditions. Will the tunnels serve as a more suitable solution?
“We’re living the rugged life now,” she replied, wholly embracing this new, possibly health-destructive lifestyle.
Next, first-floor resident Katelyn Ritchey has dismal plans for her relocation, opting to reside at the memorial behind the High Library and use the bench as her bed.
“It has a little pavilion, so if it rains, I won’t get as wet,” she stated to justify her choice.
This small, cozy spot tucked away on campus serves as a prime spot for Ritchey, who will be living alone there. When asked why no one is accompanying her, she responded, “I don’t have friends.”
However, Ritchey offers advice to her fellow ex-residents as they search for places to stay.
“Make friends so you don’t have to sleep outside,” she wisely recommended.
Many students, including second-floor resident Grace Ceschan, have embraced Ritchey’s advice and decided to place tents on the Dell and camp out together. These individuals will be selling most of their dorm essentials on the Jays App at an inflated rate in order to sustain their new camping lifestyles.
Donations to these individuals can be provided through the Schlosser Real Estate Fund, which accepts student charge, Jaybucks or simply, and most conveniently, students’ social security numbers.
Finally, junior Zeke Ciafre has opened his heart and will be welcoming the displaced into his quad—at a rate of $150 per hour.
“I’m offering my couch in quad B4,” he said. “You can come and live there instead [of outside].”
Ciafre generously advertised that about three people can fit on the couch at once, allowing roommates and friends to stay together. However, each student must pay separately, cash only.
“I’m very clean, and it’s not flooded,” Ciafre also noted.
This alluring statement is likely to garner the interest of many, so it is necessary that ex-residents jump at this offer as soon as possible.
Ciafre encourages Kambouroglos, Ritchey and Ceschan to take advantage of this stellar deal because the money earned will allow him to buy more car parts. Additionally, 0 percent of the proceeds will be donated to the Schlosser Real Estate Fund.
For an indoor and semi-comfortable option, contact Ciafre at 1-800-MONEYGRAB for booking inquiries.
