When entering Dr. Anya Goldina’s Advanced Anatomy class on March 15, students on campus imagined that they would be in for a traditional day of looking into the openings of a cadaver, or another lecture on the importance of the digestive tract.
However, once the classroom filled and began to listen to Goldina’s preemptive talk of how to work on a cadaver, the body gingerly sat up from the countertop, and turned his head towards the initially bored class.
Many students were astonished, and some mortified. With this being many’s first class of the day, a few thought they were still dreaming.
The cadaver, after writing the title of “Professor Carquass” on the class’s whiteboard, reportedly hopped down from the counter and walked out of the classroom.
Students from the class followed him across campus, and witnessed the professor enter the Brossman Commons and order a chicken sandwich to go.
The employee who rang out the cadaver seemed completely unfazed by this happening, and moved on to the next customer as if this was an average day. And perhaps it was, for Carquass at least, as some students watching from afar witnessed him pick up his sandwich and leave the Commons.
As the new professor headed towards the Steinman building, he was blown back by a sudden gust of wind. Aside from losing a few clumps of hair, he continued on without a second thought.
Carquass entered Steinman, and began to make his way to an office on the second floor, seemingly having no trouble climbing the stairs.
He asked us to stop following him, his exasperation somehow shockingly blatant with his single eyebrow. Taken aback by this statement, and in an attempt to change the subject, we asked about classes and what he would be teaching this coming fall semester.
He said he would be teaching level 100 and 200 classes, “to get back in the swing of things,” but still has to talk to the head of the department. His answers were too ambiguous for any follow up questions. We attempted again to reach out to Carquass to learn more about him, but his Etown email is still unavailable and defunct. After some hunting and scouring the second floor of Steinman, we found the new professor’s office, which seemed a little out of place in comparison to the building, but we sat down with him for an official interview.
“Well, after some deliberation, I have decided to teach Screen & Scriptwriting next semester, as well as a class particularly about the revival of dead languages, such as Latin, Hieroglyphics and Viking Runes,” he said.
We asked him if he planned to stay on campus, or if he had other means of a home.
“What they don’t know won’t hurt them,” was the ominous response we received, and we decided to not press further. Carquass stated he was now on tenure, meaning he has a permanent position on Etown’s campus, where he will remain “until time challenges him again.”
We attempted to reach out to Goldina about this incident, and if her class would still continue with the cadaver unit, but there has been no response as of writing this article.
When we last saw him, the professor stands at roughly 6-feet tall, with an awkward limpy gait, a loose-fitting suit straight out of a 1970’s Sears catalog, and patchy straw-like brown hair. If you or anyone you know spots Carquass wandering about campus, please contact The Etownian at editor@etown.edu.
