The following article is part of an April Fools’ Edition of The Etownian: the stories are fake the but interviews/quotes are real.
As the academic year inches closer to ending, the long-anticipated elections for Elizabethtown College president are finally kicking off with three contenders running for the position. Each of the candidates have comprehensive goals and brave agendas to pursue, so I set out to interview them to learn more and better inform the student body for what could only be described as the most consequential election in America. Surprisingly, all three of the candidates are currently Etown students, which many student groups have advocated for as a better representation for the student body.
The first of the candidates is John D’Amico, a political science senior who is active in his year’s Student Senate. D’Amico’s background in politics and his participation in Senate was seen as impressive for the student body, many citing that his seniority gives him the experience needed in the presidency. I sat down to interview D’Amico and before I could start my questions, he exclaimed, “Bring Back Backs!’
“I spend a lot of time in the BSC,” D’Amico said, “and I use the tables and chairs in the upper lounge as my office. However, the chairs in the BSC do not have backs!” I was shocked. D’Amico was right, for we were sitting in the BSC and I leaned back to find no back on the chairs. “If elected, I will Bring Back Backs!” I could not help but cheer.
Although hard to top off a goal as noble as bringing back backs, I asked D’Amico if he had other agendas he would pursue if he was elected for the office. “I will bring Brad Pitt to campus,” he said with his serious tone that many of his electorate had come to love. I inquired how he would achieve this feat. “I have a personal connection,” he said leaning closer towards me, “I watched ‘Seven’ last night.”
As I was wrapping up my interview, Gabryel Sewell, the second candidate, walked in. “Await the October surprise,” D’Amico warned before leaving.
Sewell, a political science major and a psychology minor, did not seem worried. Many voters have expressed concern over Sewell’s departure from Senate, viewing it as a sign that she was not the right person for the political job. However, no one could help but believe in her goals for Etown.
“I will make all drinks free in the Jay’s Nest,” she said to an audio of cheers playing from her phone. “I want my pink lemonade, and I should not be asked to pay for it. You want coffee,” she pointed at the cup sitting beside my laptop, “you should not be expected to pay for it!” In that moment, my mind wandered off to a world of life, liberty and the pursuit of free coffee. “Oh, also,” she added, “I will bring Chief Keef to Etown. He is an avid supporter of the NAACP, where I am vice president.” I could not help but think that the candidate had said this because D’Amico’s poll numbers have gotten much better after announcing the Brad Pitt visit.
The final candidate, Jalen Belgrave, decided to run on his Mx. Etown platform. When asked why he chose to run for the presidency, Belgrave said, “I want to fulfill my duties as Mx. Etown, and the best way to do that is by continuing to serve the student body in better ways.” Coming in with a legal studies major, too many minors to name and being the secretary of the Senate’s executive cabinet, many believe that the junior candidate may be Etown’s most experienced candidate.
“I want the radio to play rap music,” Belgrave said, “There is not enough rap being played.” I nodded along, with Lil Baby playing on my Airpods. I asked the candidate if he had any last words and sure enough, he exclaimed, “Let’s go Mx. Etown!”
It sure will not be an easy choice for the student body to pick the College’s president with such a qualified slate of candidates, but I hope the in-depth, personal look into the candidates will help them make the right choice.
