Elizabethtown College Athletics is hoping to introduce new leagues involving random hazards to revitalize interest in sporting events.

Attendance during the most recent lacrosse match was down from the previous game, as the audience was roughly two and a half people lower than the last game.

This drop encouraged Elizabethtown College Athletics to increase audience attendance, which led to the creation of  “Random Event Leagues.”

Games in these leagues will feature Elizabethtown College Athletics staff activating various hazards and obstacles for players to operate around.

Some of the potential hazards players will have to contend with involve wild and hungry bears being released onto the field, high-power laser pointers given to the audience, an entire marching band carrying out a twenty-minute performance, multiple balls being in play at once and a mysterious object referred to as “The Giga Ionizer.”

A trial “random hazards” game occurred last week with a match between the women’s and men’s lacrosse teams.

The match started with every player wearing goggles that forced them to view the world from an upside-down perspective until the end of the first quarter.

Plays throughout the first quarter were few and far between, as players almost seemed unable to move with the restriction of the upside-down goggles.

The Elizabethtown Area High School marching band carried out a halftime show, which continued during the game until the last four minutes of the third quarter. Roughly 12 shots were blocked by the seven tuba players the band had brought.

The fourth quarter commenced with a bright light that enveloped roughly half the field. It was impossible to tell what was happening during this phenomenon, but a noticeable number of players seemed to vanish afterward.

The final score seemed to be 15-23, but officials are still deliberating on this. Fake balls—that would take away a point—were launched onto the field several times, making it extremely difficult to determine the score at any given moment.

We attempted to interview one of the players, but they ran away screaming before we could ask them anything.

The audience seemed to enjoy the new direction sporting events were taking. Most of them said they were astonished by the new additions to the game.

“What is wrong with you people?!”  one excited audience member said.

Despite the seemingly positive reception to their new idea, Elizabethtown College Athletics staff are having trouble finding players who want to join their “random hazards” leagues.

Only time will tell if this new and exciting branch of Etown sports will lead to an exciting new category of exhilarating sporting events.