Last Thursday, March 23, around 12:25 p.m., a large, chrome-colored rotating disc slowly appeared through the clouds above Lancaster County and gently touched down in front of Alpha Hall. A low, penetrating hum rang through the nearby buildings, and blinking, multicolored lights illuminated the ground beneath the saucer. Nearby Elizabethtown College students who were walking to and from their afternoon classes ran away from the interplanetary event, but then the brave and cautious few approached the extra-terrestrial ship. President of the UFO Club Joel Shane was summoned immediately. He, along with the nearby students and an eastern gray squirrel that was mistaken for a student, made up the greeting party.
Humankind’s first contact with an intelligent, extradimensional species was through a small, rectangular window that appeared on the side of the flying saucer. A pair of large, gray, unblinking eyes peered through the window before shouting a noise that sounded nearly identical to a famous Eastern European expression for when you hit your thumb with a hammer. A sliding door on the side of the UFO opened and out waddled around a dozen small, gray aliens, who nearly entirely ignored the greeting party except for one small alien who picked the squirrel up and took it back into the UFO.
Senior and member of the club Madeline Shaffer remarked on the event. “I just can’t believe it! They just appeared out of the sky, parked right here on Alpha Drive and waltzed around like they owned the place! I mean shouldn’t they have to buy a parking pass at least?” Reports of the aliens are mixed, but mainly included how badly they smelled. After a few minutes of the aliens investigating the environment with sophisticated, silver tools and a vacuum cleaner, they all scampered back into the spaceship, which was now making a sputtering sound and spewing black smoke. The flying saucer took off as simply as it had landed and hovered over the Dell for a few seconds. After a bang like a gunshot, the saucer puttered up and away through the clouds, never to be seen again. The only sign that something had occurred was a large, strange outline burned into the Dell in the shape of an eastern gray squirrel.
In the days since the event, the Etown community has been torn on whether to accept our new alien friends or not. One Etown resident described his attitude towards the world-changing event. “I’m not too worried about them aliens, if they even exist. Seems like they came here on accident,” they said. “Maybe if you could get one of ‘em to come back and help me fix my truck…”
Back at Etown, Shane gave the following statement: “We all know that what happened, happened. Sadly, many students are more interested [in] things like grades to join my club.” Shane, along with other members of the UFO Club, attempted to request Senate funding for a new ‘UFO parking lot,’ but were subsequently denied. Etown Administration declined to comment. Proceeds to the UFO Parking Lot fund can be wired directly to Joel Shane, mailbox number 3287.
For those interested, the UFO Club will be hosting a support group for students who are still grappling with the reality of the UFO sighting. The club meets each week at 2:00 a.m. in the morning (prime alien-spotting time) on Thursdays in front of Hoover, but in light of recent events is now hosting meetings on the Dell to further investigate the alien presence. Students of all majors with any level of UFO experience are welcome to join!
