The following article is part of an April Fools’ Edition of The Etownian: the stories are fake the but interviews/quotes are real.

Since I have started working at the Etownian in September 2021, I have encouraged my friends and peers to pick up a copy of the paper. I told them about how professional it was and how proud I am to have worked on it. Well, I am here to tell you it was a lie. Every single praise I have uttered about the Etownian was just because I was getting paid to do so. This newspaper is the bane of my existence.

If you were to walk into the newsroom, located on the second floor of the Steinman Center, you would find a bunch of people staring at their computer and cursing InDesign. That is because the program we use is the worst one in the entire world. After trying to figure out how to use it over the course of seven months, I still do not understand it. Honestly, if someone asked me to create a simple text box on the program, I would end up sweating and crying within 30 seconds.

My articles are due Sunday night, and each week, I wait until Tuesday to write them because of how much pain the Etownian brings me. It is not like I am the only one to do this. Everyone waits until the last minute because they know how pointless it is to spend hours perfecting an article that no one will read. I mean sorry, but no one cares about your concert review or that it was your first time going to Baltimore.

When I do write my articles, please notice that there are no contractions. This is because I am trying to up my word count and get the writing process over with.

Each section of the Etownian has its own cute little mascot. They are adorable and meant to add personality to the paper. I bet you did not even know about them. Well, the only reason they exist is because we need to fill up space, so we downloaded a (non-copyrighted) cartoon graphic and gave it a name. Cute, right?

Perhaps, the worst part of the Etownian though is the amount of corruption that goes on behind closed doors. For example, a few issues ago, I was putting in a photo for the horoscopes. Since the horoscopes did not have a designated theme, I decided to use a simple picture of a scorpion since it is the symbol of the Scorpios. However, managing editor Elizabeth Cunningham forced me to change it to two fish to represent Pisces since it was Pisces season. What she did not want me to know was that she wanted it to be a fish because she is a Pisces. Not to mention that I am constantly arguing with her over whether there are more wheels or doors in the world. The answer is clearly wheels, but she used her power to force the debate into the paper. The corruption is truly disgusting.

The only reason a person should pick up a copy of the Etownian is if they ran out of fire wood and needed kindling. Other than that, stay far away, and under no circumstances should you actually read the Etownian.