The following article is part of an April Fools’ Edition of The Etownian: the stories are fake the but interviews/quotes are real.
So we all know Truman, right? That cute labradoodle who walks around campus allowing everyone to pet him? And I mean, let’s be honest here, is there anything better than petting Truman? Well, what about petting hundreds, or maybe even thousands, of Trumans?
Do I have your attention yet? Of course I do, because at the end of the day, we all love Truman! And that is exactly the reason why Dr. Jane Cavender, along with her sidekick Dr. Diane Bridge, both masterminds of Elizabethtown College’s very own biology department, have decided to go forward with a multimillion-dollar plan to clone Truman the dog in the span of one year!
In a recent interview with the Etownian, Cavender expressed her hard-to-contain levels of excitement, as well as the reasons behind this unique initiative. “The College has started a new plan to give every single student their own Truman!” Cavender said. “Therapy dogs can be huge for emotional support, and Truman is just a perfect subject for this experiment.”
Labradoodles are hypoallergenic, and they also come in various sizes, such as Teacup, Toy, Miniature and Standard. Additionally, the team leading the charge in cloning Truman will make the attempt to give the coat of all clones that distinctive blue color that represents the College.
After years of planning for this project, Cavender and Bridge were able to come up with a definitive research proposal that has thrown the science world upside down and made both national and international agencies all wait in line for an opportunity to fund this incredible project. In the end, the biology department humbly accepted funds from the U.S Department of Defense, the National Science Foundation (NSF), the American Kennel Club and the National Audubon Society.
The science behind this project can get a little bit extreme, so just bear with me for a second (if you’re interested, of course). Without harming Truman, Cavender’s lab will extract nuclear information from Truman’s cells and place them in female labradoodle cells that have been modified to have no nucleus. After a few months, Bridge’s lab will use CRISPR technology to create a genetic sequence using the OCA2 gene, producing a blue pigment that will be injected into the newly modified Truman cells. According to Cavender, an offspring should be produced after a year of artificial growing, hopefully bringing to life the first ever Truman clones by April 1, 2023.
In the past, Cavender has faintly expressed her lack of love towards the College’s current mascot, Conrad the Blue Jay, as it can sometimes not show enough “aggression.” “We would be really happy if Truman’s clones could become the new school mascot,” Cavender said. “We could even name them all Jay.”
There is no denying that Dr. Cavender holds a slight grudge towards Conrad, and her initiative to clone Truman could be a slight form of attack towards the Blue Jay.
