The following article is part of an April Fools’ Edition of The Etownian: the stories are fake the but interviews/quotes are real.

Finding the right college is a difficult task for anyone, whether you’re in high school, looking to transfer to a new school or are pursuing a degree later in life. However, there are a few guidelines anyone beginning a college search should keep in mind as they browse school websites, tour the campus and investigate their many options.

Some schools, like Elizabethtown College, are proud of their small class sizes and professors who work closely with students to advise them as they pursue their degree. On paper, this sounds excellent. In practice, however, the exact opposite is true. The perfect college is one with large class sizes, where professors hardly know you and interact through email only. This is beneficial because it prevents biases while grading—if the professors don’t know their students, they will grade strictly by the rubric instead of other factors. In addition, large class sizes help you blend in, so you have no opportunity to make a mistake in front of your peers or say something wrong. When you don’t feel like going to class or get bored, it’s much easier to play games or skip in these settings than at a school with a small, tight-knit community.

College is a time for learning and growth. To really focus on your studies, make sure you eliminate colleges with too many overly exciting activities, clubs and classes. For example, school newspapers (like Etown college’s Etownian) are far too fun and distracting if you want to maintain top-notch grades. An assortment of silly or stress-relieving activities are far too immature for college-aged people, who really need to be learning practical skills and studying for a future career.

Another aspect of college life which can detract from your learning is the prospect of on-campus jobs. Some schools have a host of jobs for their students, with good pay in a range of positions, some of which even provide professional experience. Don’t be fooled by them. The only thing an on-campus job does for its students is force them to commit to an activity outside their studies. Putting time and effort into a job takes time away from classes, essays and tests. This makes having a campus job in college risky, so stay away from schools which provide many opportunities for on-campus jobs.

While the school itself is the most important thing to consider in finding the perfect college, the surrounding community is also a deciding factor in this choice. Some may say the best place for a college is somewhere with plenty to do, where small businesses are within walking distance and the townspeople are generally welcoming to students. Those who think this should probably think again. Once again, an atmosphere like this is distracting to the college student, who can easily procrastinate their studying by going into town or finding an activity with friends. This is oftentimes the gateway to even more procrastination, late nights and the spending of too much money. Overall, the risks far outweigh the benefits; the perfect college is one sprawled across an isolated area, where walking anywhere requires great effort (which makes staying in to study all the more appealing).

Everyone has their own needs and wants for their individual college experience. However, as you search for the right school for you, there are a few basic guidelines I implore you to rely on. Above all, your goal should be to focus on your studies as much as possible. Be careful with other advice columns you read—they will likely tell you to do the exact opposite of everything I have advised you to do, and will probably use Etown as an example to prove their points. However, it’s important to remember that fake news and biased media is everywhere. Therefore, my last tip for you today is this: don’t believe everything you read!