The following article is part of an April Fools’ Edition of The Etownian: the stories are fake the but interviews/quotes are real.

Equestrian (Aquarius)- We get it, you’re quirky.

Fish Friend (Pisces)- You’re not a day dreamer, you just have a terrible sleep schedule.

Angry Baby (Aries)- That’s right, chase that Red Bull. It’s only the fourth one you had today. That’ll make everything better.

Gentle Giant (Taurus)- Just take a nap, it’s only your fifth one of the day.

Double Trouble (Gemini)- That’s right, take your emotional security roommate with you everywhere. I’m sure they love it.

Crab Cakes (Cancer)- Contrary to popular belief, there is such a thing as crying too much.

Kings of Leon (Leo)- Please talk louder, I couldn’t hear you the first five times.

Vertigo (Virgo)- I was just saying how much I need someone to tell me what’s wrong with my life unprovoked.

Librarian (Libra)- Honestly, making a decision isn’t that hard.

Scary Mary (Scorpio)- Yes, yes. You have the 2014 Tumblr aesthetic right.

Sag Awards (Sagittarius)- It’s okay to commit to something, I promise it won’t kill you.

Popcorn (Capricorn)- Release some of that tension, or else you’ll pop.